THANKSGIVING
i ate at a friends house
we started and finished early
family is too far away for me to get to
so he invited me
it was nice
there was a girl there
didn't know her at all but she seemed nice
one of my friends-another guest
there were various comments made
all innocently enough
but by the end she was left with the impression that i am gay
i hate it when things like that happen
people are just way too shy
if they think im gay they should ask me
id tell them im not
instead people run around dropping hints an innuendos and stuff
like: a friend "gay stamped me" for reading twilight
i assume he was looking for a reaction that would clue him in
but like
twilight has some rly sappy weird moments
but its also got some cool stuff
like the diamond skin and the various powers amplified in vampiric bodies and such
and werewolves and the various intricacies introduced there
but he wont hear that
hell hear - oh u avoided the gay stamp thing, that must mean u are or at the very least u might be
yeah the meal was awesome
then we finished and the rest of the night sucked
screw me

kinda feeling sad right now
just watched "let the right one in" and "leaves of grass"
and then was told my teasing upsets a freind
i didnt know it did
i thought i was acting in acord with the social dynamic
i apologized
still kinda down though

im feeling that lonely thing again
and also that closed off against reality thing
i think i get that way (closed off thing) when im under a lot of stress, like midterms
lonely thing = no gf
it kinda ebbs and flows i guess
not having a gf, being lonely is what ebbs etc.
i wanna go hide in my bed
im not good under this kind of pressure

i hate my roommate
hes like my mom
but without any of her positive qualities
its not just his overbearing breathing down my neck
he cant let go of things
i pace when i think
most people find it annoying when i do it in front of them
so if they say something i dont
when i pace in the hallway
he gets upset
and yells at me to stop
because when he is sleeping he can hear me
i dont mind that
i just dont pace past his room when he sleeps
but he yells at me for doing it even when he is not
when he first moved in the apartment smelled because we had just had a party
(it smelled like beer)
ever since then whenever he walks in he says it smells
it doesnt always smell
he opens the window
i hate being cold
whatever he does is ok but when i do something its wrong?
that is what i hate
it reminds me of my family
there is no equality
he holds onto stupidity
whenever i start pacing whether hes sleeping or not
whether im pacing in the hallway past his room or not
he still gets al in my face
hes anoying
i dislike him
sometimes i dont as much and then im told i shouldnt hold onto my anger cuz that could be bad for my mental health
but if i dont then i treat him like a normal person
and i am  nice
and it doesnt pay off because hell take whatever favor ot item i offer
and then forget it when he wants to yell at me
i gave him fucking furniture
i guess i cant be upset he did buy chairs and he is letting me use them
oh wait no i can still be upset
he tried to make me lease his fucking chair

11/7/2011

I want a girlfriend

problem= dunno what that is; never dated anyone

therefore I want a companion I can be safe with, someone I can relax around, someone id be ok with being close to (I mean close in a purely personal space reference though I of course desire emotional proximity as well, as I said above)

so this gf of mine would be someone I am close to and comfortable with etc. or is it someone i feel  I might be able to one day be close to etc.?

if a – I don’t have anyone that close to me

- don’t even have anyone to read this thing

If b – I am a terrible judge of character/scared of myself- what if I misjudge someone as being the potential relationship partner person when they aren’t (either do not wish to be or aren’t compatible) theres def been ppl I thought I could date at first but whom I no longer felt I could even spend significant periods of time around as I got to know them better for no other reason than that they rubbed me the wrong way/some things they thought I didn’t mind hurt(emotionally)
 

So basically im looking for soemthing - don’t know what it is- don’t know what it looks like - and I don’t know where to find it

All ive got is the whole in my heart looking for that someone to fill it

Like that toy when ur a kid and uve gotta fit the differently shaped blocks into the wholes but u don’t know which one goes where  or what theyre called

Except instead of 4 options ive got 4 million or so, they all go in different places, and if u put the wrong one in itll damage itself and me as well so that the one I was looking for may no longer be the one I need

How can I want sex when i don’t even know what it is

Its easy to be apathetic  when theres no real desire other than peer pressure, curiosity, and maybe the hope of the unknown (aka the grass is greener) and as far as a sex drive goes well that’s what porn is for

Help and Hello are so similar on the keyboard the "o" is right next to the "p" all it takes is one little movement and the cry for help becomes a mask of cheer